As a psychologist, one of the most common questions I hear from concerned parents is:
“Why doesn’t my child seem to care when they hurt someone?”
It’s a heartbreaking worry, and often a silent one. Maybe your child laughs when another kid cries. Maybe they twist the truth without guilt. Or maybe they just never seem to feel bad after doing something wrong.
You might wonder: Is this just a phase? Or is it something deeper, like narcissistic or antisocial traits developing early on?
Before we go further, take a breath. This article isn’t about labeling your child. It’s about recognizing patterns, understanding the science behind empathy, and helping you decide whether it’s time to seek guidance. The earlier we notice these signs, the better chance we have of guiding children toward healthy emotional development.
What Empathy Looks Like in Childhood (And When It Should Show Up)
Empathy isn’t something kids are born with; it develops gradually.
By age 2–3, most children begin to show emotional empathy. They might look worried when someone is hurt or try to comfort a crying parent or sibling.
By age 5–6, cognitive empathy begins to emerge, the ability to imagine how someone else might be feeling, even if they’re not crying or visibly upset.
That said, it’s normal for young kids to be self-centered. Sharing, waiting their turn, or understanding someone else’s pain doesn’t come naturally; it’s something they learn through relationships and repetition.
But if your child consistently shows no concern for others, laughs when someone is hurt, or responds with indifference to the feelings of others, and this continues past preschool age, it may be worth exploring further.
Psychologist Insight
“I don’t just look at whether a child feels bad after hurting someone. I look at how they respond over time. Do they fake remorse to avoid punishment, or do they begin to understand and care about the impact of their actions?”
Does Narcissism Start in Childhood? (Yes, But It’s Not What You Think)
Let’s get one thing clear: narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is not diagnosed in childhood. But narcissistic traits absolutely can show up early, especially between ages 6–12, when a child’s sense of self-worth and identity are forming.
Some early signs include:
- Constant need for attention or admiration
- Exaggerating achievements or comparing themselves to others often
- Reacting with anger, shame, or defensiveness when criticized
- Blaming others for mistakes (e.g., “It wasn’t my fault!”)
- Seeming to lack real concern for others’ feelings
- Trying to control or manipulate peers
These behaviors aren’t just “confidence” or “leadership.” True narcissistic traits are rooted in fragile self-esteem masked by overconfidence or superiority.
Real-Life Example
A 9-year-old who always has to be the center of attention at school, makes fun of others to feel superior, and throws tantrums when they lose, this isn’t just competitiveness. It might be a child struggling with deeper emotional regulation and self-concept issues.
Remember: narcissistic traits don’t make a child “bad.” They signal that a child may be compensating for deeper feelings of insecurity, fear of failure, or lack of emotional modeling at home.
What Are the Signs of Antisocial or Callous-Unemotional Traits in Children?
Not all children who struggle with empathy are narcissistic. Some may show signs of callous-unemotional (CU) traits, which fall under the umbrella of antisocial tendencies.
These traits are different. They’re not about wanting admiration; they’re about seeming emotionally disconnected altogether.
Watch for these signs:
- Doesn’t seem to care when others are hurt, even close family or friends
- Lies frequently without remorse
- Hurts animals or younger children and shows no guilt
- Smiles or laughs after doing something mean
- Doesn’t respond to praise or punishment, emotionally flat
- Seems emotionally “cold” or distant even during affectionate moments
What I Look for as a Psychologist:
“The biggest clue is consistency. All kids act out sometimes, but if a child repeatedly shows no remorse, lacks emotional connection, and seems immune to both praise and discipline, we may be looking at early CU traits.”
It’s important to note: these signs don’t mean your child will become a sociopath or criminal. But early identification is critical. Research shows that interventions work best when CU traits are addressed in early to middle childhood, not adolescence.
What Causes Narcissism or Lack of Empathy in a Child?
There’s no one cause. But there are patterns.
Parenting Style Matters
- Over-praising without boundaries: Children may learn that image matters more than empathy.
- Neglect or emotional coldness: They learn not to connect emotionally because it was never modeled.
- Inconsistent discipline: Kids don’t develop a clear internal sense of right and wrong.
Trauma or Early Emotional Disruption
Children exposed to abuse, neglect, or frequent instability may emotionally “shut down” as a protective mechanism. That shutdown can look like cruelty, indifference, or manipulation later on.
Temperament & Genetics
Some kids are biologically more emotionally detached or thrill-seeking. This doesn’t guarantee problems, but it can raise vulnerability when combined with the above.
Example:
A highly sensitive child raised in a chaotic home may become anxious. A child with CU traits raised in the same home may develop into someone who disconnects entirely from emotion and never learns to care about consequences.
When Should You Worry, and When Is It Just a Phase?
It’s easy to panic when you see your child act selfishly or cold. But here’s how to tell if it’s worth professional attention:
💡 It might be a phase if…
- Your child can show empathy sometimes, just not consistently
- They feel guilty after a situation is explained
- Their behavior improves with attention, structure, and guidance
- They form close bonds with at least one adult or peer
🚩 It might be more than a phase if…
- The lack of empathy is persistent across settings (home, school, peers)
- There’s no visible remorse, even after the consequences
- You feel afraid of your child’s emotional reactions or temper
- Their behavior seems emotionally disconnected, not just rebellious
Parent Tip:
You don’t have to wait for things to get “bad enough.” Therapy can help even mildly concerning traits, and give you tools as a parent to guide emotional growth.
How Can Parents Help Build Empathy in Children?
You can absolutely help your child develop empathy, but it takes more than just saying “Be kind.”
What Works:
- Label emotions often: “You look frustrated. Is that how you’re feeling?”
- Practice empathy aloud: “That boy fell, how do you think he feels right now?”
- Praise emotional insight, not just actions: “I love how you noticed she was sad and gave her a toy.”
- Tell stories that highlight feelings: Read books where characters experience emotions and ask, “What would you feel if that happened to you?”
- Use consistent boundaries, not harsh punishments: Kids with CU traits often don’t respond to fear, but they do respond to calm, structured consequences tied to choices.
In Therapy, We Use:
- Emotion recognition games
- Role-play with dolls or storytelling
- Social stories for kids who struggle with cause and effect in relationships
- Parent training to respond without shame, but with structure
When to Seek Professional Help
Reach out to a child psychologist if:
- You notice persistent patterns of emotional detachment
- Your child shows cruelty, deceit, or manipulates others frequently
- You feel overwhelmed or unsure of how to parent effectively
- Teachers or caregivers have raised concerns too
Early intervention can prevent long-term emotional and relational issues. Therapy doesn’t just support the child, it gives you as a parent the tools and confidence to raise with compassion and clarity.
Final Thoughts
You’re not a bad parent for wondering if something’s wrong. In fact, noticing these patterns early is one of the most powerful things you can do.
Every child can grow. Every behavior has a story behind it. And with the right support, at home, in therapy, and through patience, even the most emotionally distant child can learn to care, connect, and thrive.
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the early signs of narcissism in a child?
Early signs of narcissism in a child include needing constant praise, lacking empathy, blaming others, reacting badly to criticism, and showing manipulative or attention-seeking behavior consistently over time.
How early can narcissism develop in children?
Narcissism can begin to show in early childhood, especially between ages 5 and 10, but traits like entitlement or emotional coldness may appear as young as preschool in some cases.
Does narcissism start in childhood?
Yes, narcissistic traits can start in childhood, but they don’t always lead to narcissistic personality disorder. Persistent lack of empathy and extreme self-focus are the main signs to watch for.
What causes narcissism in a child?
Narcissism in a child can be caused by overpraising, emotional neglect, inconsistent parenting, trauma, or genetic temperament that affects emotional development and empathy.
How can I tell if my child’s behavior is just a phase or a deeper issue?
If your child shows no remorse, empathy, or improvement over time even after discipline, it may be more than a phase and worth discussing with a professional.
Can a child who was emotionally neglected learn empathy?
Yes, even children who were neglected can learn empathy with consistent emotional support, modeling, and positive communication from parents or caregivers.
What should I do if my child shows narcissistic traits?
Start by teaching emotional awareness, setting clear boundaries, modeling empathy, and, if needed, getting help from a child psychologist for early support.
Is therapy necessary for children with narcissistic traits?
Therapy is helpful if narcissistic traits are strong or persistent. Early support can prevent long-term issues and help children learn healthier ways to relate to others.
Can narcissistic traits in a child be a good thing?
Traits like confidence or leadership can be healthy. Narcissistic traits become a concern when they harm others or block emotional growth and empathy.
How do I help my child build real empathy?
Teach emotions by naming feelings, asking how others might feel, praising kind actions, and showing empathy in daily life so your child learns by example.
