“How are you feeling?”
It feels like a simple question, doesn’t it?
It can be answered quickly, without considering its profound implications, especially when asked by large strata of people who have trouble answering it sincerely- Men.
You ask this question, and 9 times out of 9.00000001, a man going through a bitter divorce might answer you, “I’m good. I don’t need therapy.” “Running is my therapy!” or give thousands of excuses to discount his emotions and, most importantly, to himself.
It stands true for most men, who would instead explain Thermodynamics than what emotion they feel. Moreover, they generally don’t even have a voice, to begin with, inner dialogue or internal communication with themselves when such questions arise.
“I feel intense sensations but cannot own or express them. I feel like screaming from the inside, in a language I can’t even comprehend.”
For most men, when asked about their emotions during a ‘rough patch,’ if at all, they try to answer sincerely.
All this is due to how society generally evaluates and conditions men. Society puts different expectations on men and women when it comes to their display of emotions. Women are acknowledged as sensitive of the two genders, making it socially acceptable to express feelings, joy, gloom, or fear.
However, men are supposed to be bold, strong, fearless, and brave, which doesn’t translate very well into showing your feelings of ‘weakness’ when you have them. Men are seldom encouraged to express their emotions outwardly.
Men grow up with low exposure to a range of emotions than girls. Mostly, anger is emphasized (perhaps even nurtured), and vulnerable emotions are suppressed.
This repression of emotions and isolation from true feelings men face locks away men’s natural empathy, care, and love, and in turn, rewards competitive behavior, and sometimes even toxicity, like comparison with other men, and a whole slew of negative emotions that possibly harbor hate.
All this is useless unless we figure out solutions to these problems, which is a relatively slow, complex, and long task worth striving for. To find a solution, we need to understand the grassroots situation and find why men avoid emotional conversation.
6 reasons why men fail to address emotional issues are:
Men "brush it off."
Men are habitual of “brushing it off” to avoid complex emotions. Men usually try to jump to find an answer to a problem that isn’t inherently wrong. Still, there aren’t any answers when it comes to feelings.
Feelings are just meant to be felt, experienced, and articulated. When men come to face with a surface with no immediate solution, men try to “brush it off,” attempting to ignore it.
Hence, men must understand when to admit their feelings and try to feel and acknowledge them, as denial makes it harder to process grief and pain.
We don't even know how to show, feel or express feelings!
Men don’t have models for what it looks, sounds, or feels like to be emotionally open. Most fathers, teachers, coaches, or any other man in and around us, most likely swallowed his feelings and probably considered it a healthy habit.
It is vital to note that these feelings are innate to all human beings, men alike. When men are guided and shown consent to express their feelings, they can do it powerfully.
Feeling and expressing your emotions is a skill that can be mastered and help grow men’s humanity.
Strong emotions bring out harsh truths that are hard to face and address for us.
Contemplating and accepting your feelings opens up deep layers of harsh truths that are harder to stomach.
Many facts that we as men keep hiding from, if acknowledged, would require our lives to be changed substantially. Men may not consciously realize it, but most feel that dealing with your feelings is a steep fall from a cliff.
It provides a great deal to learn from, as the harshest realities, when faced, become the most substantial and valuable learnings.
Fear of losing control of our lives.
Emotions could be huge! They carry a fear of chaos if experienced. Our mind fears leaving its comfort zone. Our ego is scared because of the doubt of making it through emotions. It takes a revolution to get men to feel and express themselves.
However, the crazy and beautiful thing is that these abilities are innate and organic in everyone, in all human beings. Experiencing a greater depth and variety of emotions and maturely handling them is an easy target to conquer emotional fears.
Men can do it as gracefully as women or any other gender. They must strive to confront harsh truths that keep them in the dark instead of fearing that they will lose control of their lives.
Men are afraid to look incapable or weak.
Society values men substantially based on their performance —making money, getting a job, and providing for loved ones.
Men are rewarded for achievement and getting things done, and emotions can be seen as character flaws hindering performance. It fuels competitive, toxic and unhealthy emotions, which are, on top of that, unable to be expressed.
Even if the feelings are expressed through emotions other than anger, they are hard to deal with and confront. It wreaks havoc on how men are supposed to behave and manage their emotions and kills the potential empathy inside men.
Deeply ingrained and hidden homophobia and misogyny
Most men fear coming across as “feminine” or “gay” as much as weak. The truth that everyone is a balance of feminine and masculine qualities is a secret most people haven’t stomached.
The “soft” nurturing qualities and empathy are labeled as feminine, often with derogatory implications.
The lack of empathy and kindness makes men susceptible to stone-heartedness. As more and more men realize their problems and seek help through therapy to deal with mental health issues, there is still hope. Modern developments are improving humanity, forging a better and more equal future.
More and more men realize the pitfalls in their emotional education to heal emotionally and grow and become better fathers, caregivers, and lovers.
As men look inwards and realize their issues, society must support them and look after their emotional needs to understand and learn from their models in compassion, empathy, and caregiving.
The often termed ‘weaker’ gender has always been a lot more adept at handling and understanding emotions, and letting out a helping hand, showing support and compassion. Women need always be the role model of empathy and understanding, as they always have been. It seems true when Russell Barkley said, “The children who need love the most will always seek it in the most unloving ways.”
These are the top reasons why men struggle with their emotions and feelings. If you or someone you know is struggling, connect with us!
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