I never thought I’d feel this way, not wanting sex with my own partner. Maybe you’re feeling like this too.
You still love them. You share a life. From the outside, everything looks fine. But behind closed doors? The passion is gone.
At first, you blame stress, exhaustion, or routine. But then, it gets worse. You avoid sex. You dodge their touch. Nights feel colder. Fights pop up. “Why don’t you want me?” “Are you not attracted to me anymore?”
You start feeling more like roommates than lovers. You know you need to have sex for a healthy marriage life. But you just don’t feel it. And you don’t know why.
If this sounds familiar, 40% of couples struggle with a drop in sexual desire. It’s frustrating. It’s confusing. And it makes you wonder, is my marriage in trouble?
But here’s the truth: A dead bedroom doesn’t mean a dead marriage. It just means something deeper is going on. And it’s time to figure out what that is.
Why Doesn’t My Partner Turn Me On Anymore?
Attraction is what makes you want to touch, kiss, and have sex with your partner. In the beginning, it’s all fire. You can’t keep your hands off each other. Every look, every touch, every night feels exciting.
But over time, things change. Sex slows down. Routine takes over. Stress, work, kids, and daily life get in the way. You still love your partner, but that sexual spark starts fading.
Attraction isn’t just about looks. It’s about how you feel. Feeling wanted, feeling desired, feeling close, that’s what keeps sex alive. But when those feelings start to fade, desire fades with them.
So what happens when you don’t feel turned on anymore? Does it mean something is wrong? Or is this just normal in a long-term relationship?
You Don’t Want to Have Sex with Your Partner—Husband or Wife
Here are 15 reasons why your sex life might be suffering and how they affect your connection in the bedroom.
1. Hormonal Changes Can Kill Your Sex Drive
Hormones control everything, from your mood to your libido. Low sexual desire affects about 27% of premenopausal women and 52% of menopausal women. Testosterone, estrogen, and other sex hormones play a huge role in desire. When they drop, so does your interest in sex.
For men, low testosterone can make erections weaker and reduce the urge to initiate sex. Women often experience changes in estrogen, especially after pregnancy or during menopause, leading to vaginal dryness and discomfort.
If your body isn’t responding the way it used to, sex might feel like more of a struggle than a pleasure.
2. Bad Sex Leaves You Wanting Less
If sex hasn’t been exciting or satisfying, it’s no surprise that your desire is fading. Routine, lack of foreplay, or feeling unheard in bed can make intimacy feel like an obligation instead of a pleasure.
Maybe your partner isn’t putting in effort. Maybe it’s the same positions, the same motions, and no passion. When sex feels predictable, your body stops craving it.
The fix? Honest communication, new experiences, and focusing on pleasure for both partners.
3. Medications That Quiet Your Libido
Some medications like antidepressants, birth control, and blood pressure pills can completely shut down sexual desire. They can make it harder to get aroused, reduce natural lubrication, or make orgasms feel less intense.
If you’ve noticed a change in your sex drive after starting medication, it’s worth talking to your doctor. There may be alternative options that don’t interfere with your bedroom life.
4. Chronic Illness Can Make Sex Feel Like Too Much Effort
When you’re dealing with health problems like diabetes, heart disease, or chronic pain, sex can feel like the last thing you want to do.
Pain, fatigue, or physical discomfort can make intimacy feel stressful instead of enjoyable. You might avoid sex altogether because it feels too exhausting or even painful.
The good news? There are ways to adapt. Exploring different positions, focusing on foreplay, and taking it slow can help bring intimacy back.
5. You Don’t Feel Sexy in Your Own Skin
If you don’t like how you look, it’s hard to feel confident in bed. Weight gain, body changes after pregnancy, or just feeling “off” about yourself can make you want to hide under the covers instead of get between them.
When you’re self-conscious, you might avoid undressing in front of your partner, stop initiating sex, or even reject their advances. It’s not about them, it’s about how you feel inside.
The solution? Finding ways to feel sexy again, whether that’s working out, wearing lingerie, or just shifting your mindset about your body.
6. Mental Health Struggles Shut Down Desire
Anxiety, depression, and stress don’t just affect your mind, they hit your sex drive hard. When your brain is in survival mode, sex is the last thing on the priority list.
You might feel disconnected, uninterested, or even repelled by the idea of intimacy. Mental health struggles can also make it harder to reach orgasm or feel emotionally present during sex.
The fix? Therapy, stress management, and finding small ways to reconnect with your partner, even outside the bedroom.
7. Too Much Alcohol Kills the Mood
A drink or two might loosen you up, but excessive drinking can lower your libido and make sex less enjoyable.
For men, too much alcohol can lead to weaker erections or difficulty finishing. For women, it can numb sensations and make it harder to feel pleasure.
If alcohol is affecting your sex life, cutting back might help reignite desire.
8. Resentment Builds Walls in the Bedroom
If you’re holding onto anger or resentment toward your partner, sex can start feeling impossible.
Maybe they hurt you emotionally, neglected your needs, or broke your trust. Even small unresolved issues can turn into big barriers when it comes to intimacy.
If sex feels forced or distant, it might be time to work on the emotional connection first. Without that, physical intimacy will always feel off.
9. You and Your Partner Are Out of Sync Sexually
Maybe one of you wants sex all the time, while the other is rarely in the mood. When your sex drives don’t match, frustration builds.
If you feel pressured for sex, it becomes a chore instead of something you crave. If your partner feels rejected, they might stop trying altogether.
Finding a balance where both of you feel satisfied is key to keeping sex from becoming a source of stress.
10. Emotional Distance = No Physical Connection
Sex isn’t just physical. If you’re emotionally disconnected, the desire to be intimate fades fast.
Lack of deep conversations, quality time, or small affectionate gestures can make your partner feel like a stranger. And if you don’t feel close emotionally, sex starts feeling like an obligation instead of a natural expression of love.
11. Your Schedule Leaves No Room for Sex
Late nights at work, kids, and non-stop responsibilities? By the time you hit the bed, you’re exhausted, and not turned on.
If your life is too packed for sex, you might need to make intimacy a priority instead of waiting for the “perfect” moment.
12. Unhealthy Habits Are Draining Your Libido
Not getting enough sleep, eating poorly, and not exercising? These things can tank your energy levels and your sex drive.
Your body needs fuel to crave sex. If you’re running on empty, it makes sense that intimacy feels like too much effort.
13. Trauma From the Past Can Block Desire
If you’ve experienced sexual trauma, it can deeply affect your ability to enjoy intimacy. Triggers, anxiety, or even subconscious fears can make sex feel uncomfortable.
Working through past trauma with a therapist can help rebuild a healthier relationship with sex.
14. You’re Just Not Attracted to Your Partner Anymore
This is a tough one. If your attraction to your partner has faded, sex might feel forced or unnatural.
Attraction isn’t just about looks, it’s about how they treat you, how they carry themselves, and how connected you feel. If something is missing, it can be hard to feel turned on.
15. Broken Trust Makes Sex Feel Impossible
If there’s been infidelity, dishonesty, or betrayal, sex can feel like an emotional battleground.
It’s hard to be vulnerable with someone you don’t fully trust. Before physical intimacy returns, the emotional wounds need to heal.
What to Do If You Don’t Feel Like Having Sex with Your Partner
Here’s how you can bring back the spark and enjoy sex with your partner again:
1. Talk About It – Openly and Honestly
Sex problems don’t fix themselves. If you’ve been avoiding sex, your partner probably feels rejected or confused. Instead of ignoring it, have an open conversation. Share what you’re feeling whether it’s stress, boredom in bed, or something deeper.
Let your partner talk too. Maybe they’re feeling the same way. Talking about it without judgment is the first step to making things better.
2. See a Sex Therapist (Like PsychiCare!)
If the problem has been going on for a while, it’s okay to get help. Sex therapists understand what kills desire and how to bring it back. Whether it’s past trauma, performance anxiety, or mismatched sex drives, therapy can help you figure out what’s going wrong.
PsychiCare offers online sex therapy, so you can get professional advice from the comfort of your home.
3. Bring Back Foreplay, Make It a Priority
When sex starts feeling like a routine, you need to slow things down. Foreplay isn’t just an option, it’s a must. Spend more time kissing, touching, and teasing. Explore each other’s bodies in new ways.
Try dirty talk, massage, or mutual masturbation. The more aroused you both are before sex, the better it’ll feel.
4. Try Watching Porn Together
Porn can be a fun way to get turned on and discover new fantasies. Watching together can help you talk about what excites you, leading to a more adventurous sex life.
Just make sure it’s something you both enjoy, everyone has different tastes.
5. Change Up Your Sex Routine
If sex always feels the same, it’s no wonder you don’t crave it. Try something different, new positions, a different location, or even adding a little roleplay. Spontaneity keeps things exciting.
Some positions to try:
- Spooning: Great for slow, intimate sex.
- Doggy Style: Adds deeper penetration.
- Cowgirl: Gives more control to the person on top.
- Against the Wall: Perfect for a quick, passionate session.
6. Exercise to Boost Your Libido
Working out helps your sex drive. Cardio improves stamina, strength training boosts testosterone, and yoga increases flexibility in bed.
Even pelvic floor exercises (Kegels) can lead to stronger orgasms and better performance for both men and women.
7. Make Time for Sex, Even If You Have to Plan It
Busy schedules kill desire. If life keeps getting in the way, schedule a “sex night” just like you would a date night. It might sound unsexy, but anticipation can actually make it hotter.
8. Reconnect Emotionally
Sometimes, it’s not just about sex, it’s about feeling close. Hold hands, cuddle, kiss randomly, and make each other laugh. When you feel emotionally connected, the desire to have sex comes back naturally.
Is OCD Affecting Your Sexual Attraction?
Do you ever question if you’re really attracted to your partner? Do thoughts about sex make you anxious instead of excited? If so, OCD might be getting in the way.
OCD isn’t just about being extra clean or organized. It can also cause unwanted thoughts that make you doubt your feelings, worry about your sex drive, or overthink every intimate moment. Some people feel stuck—constantly checking if they feel desire or avoiding sex because of anxiety.
The good news? This can be treated. Therapy, relaxation techniques, and letting go of intrusive thoughts can help. If you’re struggling, PsychiCare offers online therapy to guide you through it and bring back confidence in the bedroom.
Final Thoughts
Let’s be real: sex is about way more than just pleasure. It’s about connection, trust, and that warm fuzzy feeling you get from being close to your partner. But let’s face it, life can get in the way.
Stress, kids, and just the daily grind can put a damper on that spark you once had. Short dry spells are totally normal, but ignoring them for too long can create some serious distance between you two.
The great news? You can absolutely reignite that desire! Whether it’s trying something new in the bedroom, chatting openly about your fantasies, or just taking more time for foreplay, small tweaks can stir up that excitement again.
The trick is to put in some effort. Passion doesn’t just vanish; it fades when couples stop nurturing it.
If sex starts to feel like a chore or you find yourself not feeling attracted to your partner, don’t brush it off.
The longer you ignore it, the harder it can be to make things right. A little effort today can go a long way in keeping that intimacy alive for many years to come.
Ask the Expert: When to Get Help for Your Sex Life
Not every bedroom issue can be resolved on its own.
If you’ve tried all sorts of things like watching porn together, spicing things up a bit, or mixing up your routine but still feel that disconnect, it might be time to reach out for help.
Remember, sexual issues aren’t just physical. They can be tied to emotional distance, past experiences, anxiety about performance, or even just having different sex drives.
If talking about sex feels awkward or if you’re finding yourself arguing about intimacy, a sex therapist could be just what you need.
PsychiCare provides online sex therapy to help couples regain that passion and confidence in the bedroom.
If you’re grappling with desire, don’t let that frustration turn into resentment. With the right guidance, you can achieve a healthy and satisfying sex life.
