So, do married people think about someone else—like, during sex or just all the time?
Truth is, it’s both, and it’s no drama. I’m Tilottama Khandelwal, a sexologist who’s been sorting this out for six years at PsychiCare.com.
Some people’s brains go wild right in the middle of sex—maybe imagining a sexy movie star or that hot guy from the gym. A survey says 70% of married folks have done this at least once.
Other times, it’s just random—like picturing someone cute while waiting for the bus or doing dishes. Dr. Justin Lehmiller’s research says over 80% of people in relationships, married or not, fantasize like this [source: Kinsey Institute].
It’s not about their marriage sucking. Your head just likes to roam—sex or no sex.
I’ve had clients go, “Wait, I thought about someone else during sex—is that bad?” Nope, it’s just your brain having fun, not a dealbreaker.
Point is: Married people fantasize about others whenever—during sex or just living life. It’s normal stuff!
What Is Sexual Fantasizing?
So, what’s sexual fantasizing when you’re married?
Sexual fantasizing is your mind’s safe space—imagining romantic or erotic scenarios, often with someone other than your spouse. It’s a natural expression of human desire, blending curiosity, emotion, and imagination.
Whether it’s a quick daydream or a detailed scene, fantasies let us explore without real-world risks. And yes, even married people do it—frequently.
Why Do Married People Fantasize About Others?
Your brain loves to wander, and there’s science behind it:
- Imagination Unleashed: An attractive stranger or a charismatic friend can spark a “what if” moment.
- Brain Chemistry: Neuroscientist Dr. Nan Wise explains that dopamine spikes during fantasies, giving your brain a mini-reward.
- Evolutionary Roots: Some argue it’s an ancient drive for variety, lingering even in monogamy.
- Daily Triggers: Stress, boredom, or routine can nudge your mind toward escapism—think of that flirty barista as a mental vacation.
Clients often ask me, “Why do I fantasize about others?” It’s usually your brain playing, not betraying—sometimes reflecting curiosity or a need for excitement.
Do Married People Fantasize About Others?
Yes, all the time. A 2019 survey found 70% of married individuals admit to occasional fantasies about someone else. Dr. Justin Lehmiller’s research, from Tell Me What You Want, pushes it higher—over 80% of people in relationships report this. Marriage doesn’t shut off your imagination; it’s a human trait, not a loyalty switch.
Is Fantasizing About Someone Else Cheating?
Many people wonder if thinking about someone else while in a relationship means they are being unfaithful. The short answer? Not necessarily.
The Difference Between Thoughts and Actions
Your mind can wander. That’s normal. Just because you think about someone else doesn’t mean you are cheating. Cheating is about actions—hiding things, lying, or breaking trust. A thought, on its own, isn’t the same as betrayal.
But if your fantasies make you feel distant from your partner, or if you start comparing them to someone else, it might be a problem. It’s important to ask yourself: Are these thoughts making me appreciate my partner more, or are they making me pull away?
Fantasies can be harmless, but if they start affecting how you see your relationship, it’s time to check in with yourself—and maybe your partner, too.
How Fantasizing Can Help Your Sex Life
Fantasizing is normal. It’s just your brain exploring what excites you. It can actually make your relationship better by keeping things fun and helping you understand yourself more.
How Fantasizing Can Benefit Your Sex Life & Your Relationship Overall
It Makes You Feel More Attracted to Your Partner
Over time, things can feel a little routine. Fantasizing can bring back that excitement and make you see your partner in a fresh way. Ever had a dream about them that made you wake up smiling? That’s the power of your mind.
It Helps You Feel Emotionally Closer
When you feel safe talking about what excites you (even if you don’t act on it), it builds trust. Feeling connected outside the bedroom makes things better inside the bedroom too.
It Helps You Try New Things
If talking about sex makes you nervous, fantasizing can help you figure out what you like first. That way, when the time comes, you’ll feel more confident sharing your thoughts.
It Helps You Relax
Worried about how you look or whether you’re doing things “right”? Fantasizing takes the pressure off and helps you enjoy the moment instead of overthinking everything.
It Boosts Your Confidence
When you understand what turns you on, you feel more comfortable in your own skin. You can express yourself without feeling awkward or unsure.
It Makes Your Relationship Stronger
A good sex life isn’t just about how often you do it—it’s about feeling connected. Keeping things fun and exciting (even just in your mind) helps keep that bond strong.
How to Introduce Fantasizing Into Your Relationship
Fantasies can add excitement to your relationship, but talking about them might feel awkward at first. The key is to make it a safe and judgment-free conversation.
Get to Know Your Own Desires
Before you share with your partner, take time to explore what excites you. Think about what you like and why it turns you on. This helps you communicate better when the time comes.
Make It Safe to Talk About Fantasies
Your partner should never feel judged or pressured. Bring up the topic in a casual, relaxed way—maybe while cuddling or joking around. Let them know it’s just about keeping things fun, not about replacing them.
Share Feelings Without Blaming
Instead of saying, “You never do this for me,” try “I think it would be fun to explore this together.” The goal is to stay open and curious, not to make each other feel bad.
Keep It Fun and Lighthearted
Not every fantasy has to be serious or deep. Sometimes, just talking about things you find exciting can make you feel closer. Laughing about silly fantasies or teasing each other can take the pressure off.
Agree on What Feels Comfortable
You and your partner might have different comfort levels. That’s okay. Talk about boundaries and find common ground. The goal is to make both of you feel good, not uncomfortable.
Common Misconceptions About Fantasizing
Fantasizing is natural, but many people misunderstand what it really means. Let’s clear up some common myths.
Fantasizing Means Something Is Missing
Just because you have fantasies doesn’t mean you’re unhappy in your relationship. The human brain is wired for curiosity, and your imagination doesn’t stop working just because you’re in love. Many people in happy relationships still fantasize—it’s a normal part of desire, not a sign of trouble.
It’s the Same as Cheating
Thinking about someone else doesn’t mean you’re being unfaithful. Cheating involves action, secrecy, and breaking trust. A fantasy is just a thought—it doesn’t mean you want to act on it. Many people use fantasies to spice things up with their own partner, making their real-life intimacy even better.
Fantasies Must Be Realistic
Fantasies aren’t plans—they’re just ideas that excite you. Some people imagine things they would never do in real life, and that’s completely okay. Fantasizing is about play and creativity, not about making something happen. What matters most is how you use it to keep your relationship exciting and fulfilling.
What If Fantasies Lead to Cheating Thoughts?
Fantasies are normal, but what if they start feeling too real? If you find yourself thinking about someone else all the time or feeling tempted to act on those thoughts, it’s important to pause and ask why. Are you feeling distant from your partner? Are you craving something exciting? These thoughts don’t always mean you’ll cheat, but they might be a sign that something needs attention.
The Difference Between Fantasy and Action
Thinking about someone is one thing—acting on it is another. If you’re flirting, hiding messages, or feeling guilty, it might be a sign you’re crossing a line. Ask yourself: Would I be okay if my partner knew? If the answer is no, it’s time to think about your choices.
How to Stop Fantasizing About Someone Else If It Feels Wrong
- Figure Out Why It’s Happening – Do these thoughts come up when you’re bored, stressed, or unhappy in your relationship? Understanding this can help.
- Focus on Your Partner – Instead of thinking about someone else, try spending more quality time with your partner. Try something new together or talk about what you need.
- Set Boundaries – If your fantasy is about a real person (like a coworker or an ex), limit contact to stop feeding those thoughts.
- Find a Distraction – If you catch yourself fantasizing too much, shift your focus. Watch a show, exercise, or do something fun with your partner.
- Talk to Someone – If these thoughts bother you, talking to a therapist can help you understand them without feeling ashamed.
How Society and Media Influence Fantasies
Everywhere you look—movies, TV, social media—there are images of “perfect” relationships and wild, passionate love scenes. These create ideas in your head about what romance and sex should look like. But reality is rarely like that.
Unrealistic Expectations from Movies and Porn
Romantic movies show grand gestures and endless passion. Porn shows people with “perfect” bodies doing things that may not even feel good in real life. These create false ideas about what’s “normal” in relationships. If your love life doesn’t look like that, you might feel like something is missing—even when it’s not.
Social Media and the Rise of Emotional Affairs
It’s easy to reconnect with an old crush or chat with someone new online. A few innocent messages can turn into emotional attachment. You might start fantasizing about this person, even if you love your partner. Social media makes it easy to blur the line between fantasy and reality.
How Comparing Your Relationship Can Lead to More Fantasies
Seeing couples post their “perfect” moments can make you wonder if your relationship is lacking. You might start fantasizing about a more exciting partner or a different love life. But remember, people only show the best parts online. Their reality isn’t always as great as it looks.
When to Seek Professional Help
Fantasies are normal, but sometimes, they can create problems in your marriage. If your thoughts are making you feel guilty, distant, or unhappy with your partner, it may be time to talk to someone.
Signs That Fantasies Are Harming Your Marriage
-
- You feel emotionally disconnected from your partner.
- You fantasize about someone else more than your actual relationship.
- You hide your thoughts or online interactions from your partner.
- You struggle to enjoy intimacy without thinking of someone else.
- Your fantasies make you feel guilty, anxious, or ashamed.
- You feel emotionally disconnected from your partner.
How a Therapist Can Help You Understand Your Desires
A sex therapist won’t judge you. Instead, they’ll help you understand why certain fantasies keep coming up and whether they’re harmless or affecting your relationship. Therapy can help you:
-
- Feel more confident about your desires.
- Improve communication with your partner.
- Find a balance between healthy fantasies and real-life intimacy.
- Address any deeper emotional or relationship issues.
- Feel more confident about your desires.
Get Expert Guidance from PsychiCare’s Sexologists
If your fantasies are creating tension or confusion, talking to a professional can bring clarity. At PsychiCare, our expert sexologists have helped hundreds of clients worldwide.
Online consultations available for just ₹1500 per session. Get the support you need from the comfort of your home.
Final Thoughts: Fantasies Are Normal, But Balance Is Key
- Everyone Has Fantasies—It’s What You Do With Them That Matters
- Use Fantasies to Rekindle Passion, Not Escape Your Marriage
- Open Communication and Trust Are the Real Keys to Long-Term Desire
FAQs
Why do people fantasize about others?
Fantasizing is natural and happens for many reasons—curiosity, unmet desires, boredom, or simply because the brain enjoys variety. It doesn’t always mean something is wrong in a relationship. It’s a normal way the mind explores attraction.
Do married people fantasize about others?
Yes, even happily married people fantasize about others. Studies show most people experience occasional fantasies about someone besides their partner. It’s part of human nature and doesn’t always indicate dissatisfaction in the marriage.
Is it wrong to fantasize about others when in a relationship?
No, fantasizing alone isn’t wrong. It becomes a concern only if it causes guilt, emotional distance, or leads to actions that hurt your relationship. Healthy fantasies can even boost attraction and intimacy with your partner.
Why do I fantasize about others?
You may fantasize about others due to attraction, curiosity, routine in your relationship, or simply because the mind enjoys novelty. It doesn’t always mean you’re unhappy—sometimes, it’s just a way to explore desire mentally.
Is it normal to fantasize about others while married?
Yes, it’s completely normal. Most married people occasionally think about someone else. As long as it doesn’t affect your emotional connection or lead to secrecy, it’s just part of how human desire works.
Does everyone fantasize about other people?
Almost everyone has had a sexual or romantic fantasy about someone other than their partner at some point. The brain naturally creates these thoughts, even when you’re happy in your relationship.
Is it okay to fantasize about other girls?
Yes, as long as it doesn’t interfere with your real relationship. Fantasies are private thoughts, and having them doesn’t mean you love your partner any less. They only become a problem if they create distance or dissatisfaction.
Fantasizing about other men while married—what does it mean?
It’s normal and doesn’t necessarily mean you’re unhappy. Many women in loving marriages have occasional fantasies. If these thoughts make you feel guilty or disconnected, talking with your partner or a therapist can help.
