A Sexologist’s Guide to Controlling Sexual Desire and Strong Urges

Reviewed and updated by a sexologist for accuracy on December 06, 2025

As a sexologist, I speak to many clients every day who feel confused or stressed by their sexual desire, sex emotions, or strong sexual feelings. People often ask me the same things – how to manage sexual desire, how to control sex feelings before marriage, how to deal with sexual feelings after marriage, or how to calm sexual urges that feel too strong. And even though people say men struggle more, I see both men and women facing these challenges equally.

Many clients tell me things like:

• “My sexual thoughts are too frequent.”
• “My sexual urges feel out of control.”
• “I feel guilty after the feeling goes away.”
• “My emotions around sex are confusing.”

These experiences can affect daily life, confidence, relationships, and emotional wellbeing. When sex feelings become too intense, people often feel guilt, shame, frustration, or anxiety, even when nothing is “wrong” with them.

Sex emotions can show up as:

• Arousal – your body reacting
• Excitement – the build-up or anticipation
• Pleasure – the positive, enjoyable feeling
• Guilt or shame – judging yourself for desire
• Anxiety – fear or pressure around intimacy
• Frustration – when needs or expectations don’t match
• Sadness or grief – emotional heaviness around intimacy or loss

These emotions feel powerful because they’re influenced by your body, your past, your relationship patterns, stress, loneliness, and even small triggers in your environment.

My goal is not to stop your sexuality; it’s to help you understand it, feel more in control of it, and respond to it in a healthier and calmer way.

Understanding Your Sex Emotions: What They Really Mean

As a sexologist, I see every day that sexual feelings come from more than just physical desire. They’re shaped by emotions, lifestyle, stress, and past experiences. When clients understand this, managing sexual desire becomes much easier.

Here’s what your sex emotions may be telling you:

• They are normal: Arousal, desire, excitement, all healthy human reactions.
• They follow your mood: Stress, loneliness, boredom, happiness, all can increase sexual feelings.
• They can be emotional needs: Sometimes desire appears when you want comfort, closeness, or attention.
• They are influenced by your past: Upbringing, cultural beliefs, and relationships shape how you react to sexual urges.
• They don’t define you: Sexual thoughts or urges are natural and don’t say anything negative about your character.
• They can be triggered easily: A memory, a feeling, a partner’s behaviour, or even small environmental cues can activate sexual emotions.
• They can feel stronger during life transitions: Breakups, marriage, distance, stress at work, or feeling disconnected.

What I Teach Clients Every Day About Controlling Sexual Desire

Here are 12 proven ways to control sex desire, uncontrolled sex feelings, and emotions!

1. Understand What You’re Actually Feeling

Sexual feelings are not always about sex. As a sexologist, I often see that what people label as “sexual desire” is sometimes stress, loneliness, frustration, boredom, or the need for comfort showing up as arousal. Before reacting, pause and name the feeling:

• Is this true desire?
• Is this emotional hunger?
• Is this habit or escape?

Once you identify the real emotion behind the urge, sexual urges lose a lot of their intensity.

2. Notice Your Triggers

Sex emotions rarely appear randomly; they follow patterns. Some people feel the strongest sexual urges late at night, some after consuming porn, and others when they’re alone for too long or emotionally disconnected.

Track these triggers for one week. You’ll start seeing clear patterns like:

• Time of day
• Type of content
• Emotional state
• Physical environment

Awareness gives you control. When you know the trigger, the urge no longer surprises you.

3. Try Relaxation Instead of Acting on the Urge

Sexual desire intensifies when the body is tense or activated. Simple physical interventions can calm the body and reduce sexual emotion:

• A warm or cold shower
• Slow breathing (exhale longer than inhale)
• A short walk or stretch
• Soft music or grounding techniques

Relaxation sends a message to the brain: “I’m safe. I don’t need to act on this immediately.”
This is especially helpful for intrusive sexual thoughts or sexual feelings before marriage, where action is not possible or desired.

4. Reframe Your Thoughts

Sexual thoughts gain power when you believe them. In therapy, I teach clients to shift the internal dialogue:

Instead of:
“I can’t control myself.”
Try:
“This feeling will pass.”

Instead of:
“I need this right now.”
Try:
“My body is reacting, I don’t have to follow every urge.”

Reframing reduces compulsive thinking and weakens the cycle of desire → guilt → desire.

5. Be Honest With Your Partner

In relationships, unspoken sexual emotions create distance. If you’re wanting more intimacy, say it. If sexual desire feels too overwhelming, talk about that too.

Healthy communication helps:

• Reduce pressure
• Prevent misunderstandings
• Build trust
• Balance mismatched desire

Couples who talk openly about sex feel less shame and control sexual feelings more easily.

6. Set Boundaries That Work for You

Boundaries don’t limit sexuality; they protect your emotional balance. Examples include:

• Reducing porn if it intensifies urges beyond your comfort
• Avoiding private chats that lead to sexual pressure
• Limiting situations where you repeatedly lose control
• Creating distance from people who trigger unhealthy patterns

These boundaries help individuals with sexual feelings after marriage or single individuals dealing with overwhelming sexual urges.

7. Take Care of Your Body

Your physical habits affect your sexual emotions far more than people realise. When the body is tired, overstimulated, dehydrated, or under-nourished, it seeks quick dopamine, often through sex or porn.

Supportive habits include:

• Regular exercise
• Stable sleep
• Balanced meals
• Reduced caffeine and sugar
• Drinking more water

A regulated body leads to more regulated sexual desire.

8. Channel the Energy Into Something Else

Sexual energy is real energy and powerful. When you can’t express it sexually, redirecting it keeps you in control.

Effective redirections include:

• Running or gym workouts
• Music, art, writing
• Deep cleaning or organising
• Studying or working on a goal
• Spending time with someone supportive

When you channel the energy, sexual urges decrease naturally because the brain shifts its focus.

9. Be Aware of Outside Influences

Many clients don’t realise how quickly their environment shapes sexual emotions. Common triggers include:

• Romantic or sexual scenes
• Suggestive content on social media, Reels
• Body showing content or conversations
• Stressful or lonely situations
• Late-night scrolling

Adjusting your environment, especially when you’re already vulnerable, helps control sexual feelings before they rise.

10. Check Your Mental Health

Strong or constant sexual urges are sometimes a sign of something deeper:

• Anxiety
• Stress
• Low mood
• Emotional emptiness
• Avoidance coping
• Relationship disconnection

The brain may push sexual desire as a quick escape from discomfort. When you treat the underlying emotion, sexual urges become easier to manage.

11. Talk to a Professional if Needed

If sexual thoughts feel intrusive, sexual desire feels uncontrollable, or you find yourself acting against your values, therapy helps. As sexologists, we use evidence-based techniques to help you:

• Reduce compulsive urges
• Break unhealthy patterns
• Understand emotional triggers
• Build healthy relationships with sexual desire

Support is not for people who are “broken” – it’s for people who want clarity and control.

12. Build Closeness Beyond Sex

When relationships rely only on sexual intimacy, desire often becomes pressuring or confusing. Build connection in other ways:

• Deep conversations
• Shared interests
• Affection without sex
• Quality time
• Emotional openness

The more emotionally connected you feel, the more natural and balanced your sexual emotions become.

Before You Blame Yourself, Know What Your Biology Is Doing

Strong sexual desire or sudden sexual urges are not signs of weakness; they’re normal biological reactions. Your body often responds before your mind has time to think.

Here’s the simple science behind it:

• Dopamine spikes quickly, making sexual thoughts feel urgent.
• Testosterone and estrogen rise naturally, increasing sexual feelings in both men and women.
• Stress and emotions influence desire, sometimes making urges stronger.
• The limbic system reacts fast, creating arousal before logic steps in.
• Old memories or triggers activate desire, even when you’re not expecting it.

Once you understand this, sexual emotions feel less confusing; your body is reacting automatically, but you still have full control over how you respond.

How to Control Sex Emotions

How Culture and Upbringing Shape Your Sex Emotions

Your sexual feelings aren’t shaped by biology alone; they’re also shaped by the world you grew up in. As a sexologist, I see how culture, family values, and early messaging influence a person’s sexual emotions long before their first relationship.

Here’s how upbringing affects your sexual desire and sexual urges:

• The messages you heard about sex matter.
  If sex was called “dirty,” “shameful,” or “wrong,” you may feel guilt or fear even during normal sexual feelings.

• Strict or conservative environments create hidden pressure.
  This often leads to stronger sexual thoughts or urges because the mind reacts to restriction.

• Open and supportive families create healthier sexual confidence.
  People raised with honest conversations tend to feel less anxiety and more control over their feelings.

• Religious or cultural expectations influence timing.
  Many clients struggle with sexual feelings before marriage because they were taught to suppress them completely.

• Early experiences shape emotional patterns.
  Past rejection, breakups, or affection can build strong emotional connections to sex.

Culture doesn’t decide your sexuality but it does influence how you respond to desire, how much shame you feel, and how comfortable you are with your own sexual emotions.

What Uncontrolled Sexual Emotions Do to a Relationship Even When You Don’t Notice It

Sexual emotions don’t stay inside your head; they quietly shape the way you talk, connect, and react to your partner. In counselling, I often see couples struggling with relationship problems that actually began with unspoken sexual feelings, not communication or personality issues.

Here’s what happens when sexual emotions go unmanaged:

• Desire imbalance creates tension and silent pressure between partners.
• Sexual frustration shows up as arguments about unrelated topics.
• Emotional closeness drops when sex feelings feel confusing or overwhelming.
• Avoidance becomes common when guilt, anxiety, or shame around intimacy builds up.
• Intimacy turns into a coping mechanism instead of meaningful connection.
• Strong sexual urges may lead to impulsive or secretive behaviour.
• Emotional security weakens when partners doubt their attractiveness or self-control.
• Communication becomes strained when sexual emotions are not discussed openly.
• Resentment grows when one partner feels rejected and the other feels overwhelmed.
• Trust slowly erodes when sex emotions stay hidden or unmanaged.

When Sexual Thoughts Take Over Your Mind and Don’t Let You Focus

Sexual thoughts are normal, but when they become frequent, intrusive, or hard to switch off, they can disrupt your mood, concentration, and daily routine. In counselling sessions, many clients describe this as “my mind keeps going back to sex even when I don’t want it to.” The goal isn’t to fight the thoughts; it’s to break the mental loop and reduce the emotional charge behind them. These emotional patterns often become easier to manage with guided support through PsychiCare’s international online therapy.

Ways to Control Sexual Thoughts and Stop Mental Overthinking

• Interrupt the thought immediately, don’t let it build a story or fantasy.
• Shift your focus to a specific task to break the mental pattern.
• Avoid lying down or staying still when sexual thinking is getting stronger.
• Relax your jaw, shoulders, and stomach to lower body-driven arousal.
• Use grounding techniques like touching a cool surface to snap out of loops.
• Reduce triggers such as romantic content, chatting, or late-night scrolling.
• Keep your phone away during vulnerable times, especially at night.
• Challenge false thoughts like “I need this right now” – the urge always drops.
• Don’t judge the thought; judgement increases mental tension.
• Move your body, walking or stretching weakens intrusive sexual thoughts.
• Avoid going into fantasies if you’re trying to reduce urges.
• Identify emotional triggers like boredom, loneliness, or stress.
• Drink water or wash your face when thoughts feel overpowering.
• Limit overstimulation from screens; it keeps the mind sexually active.
• If a thought keeps returning, gently redirect it every time; repetition builds control.

What to Do When Sex Emotions Feel Too Heavy to Manage

Sometimes sex emotions feel bigger than your ability to handle them. In counselling, I meet people who describe sexual desire as “too strong,” sexual urges as “constant,” or sexual thoughts that feel impossible to switch off. These reactions don’t mean you’re weak; they mean your mind and body are overloaded.

When sexual feelings grow beyond comfort, the goal is not to suppress them, but to regulate them so they stop controlling your day, mood, or decisions.

Ways to Cope When Sex Emotions Become Overwhelming

• Create physical space, step into another room, walk outside, or turn off devices.
• Slow your breathing to calm the nervous system and reduce sexual tension.
• Replace stimulation with grounding activities like stretching or light movement.
• Shift focus toward a simple task to interrupt repetitive sexual thoughts.
• Reduce exposure to content or conversations that trigger stronger urges.
• Drink water or take a shower to reset your body’s arousal response.
• Acknowledge the emotion instead of fighting it; resistance increases the urge.
• Talk to a partner or trusted person if the feeling creates pressure or confusion.
• Rest or sleep if emotional fatigue is intensifying sexual desire.
• If urges feel unmanageable, pause before reacting, giving the body time softens intensity.

Controlling Sex Desire Before Marriage and After Marriage

Sexual desire doesn’t work the same in both stages of life. In counselling, I see people struggling with strong sex feelings before marriage due to restriction, curiosity, or lack of outlet and others fighting high sexual desire after marriage because of pressure, mismatch, or emotional disconnect.
Here are practical ways to stay in control in both situations.

Controlling Sex Desire Before Marriage

• Limit situations where the urge becomes stronger (privacy, late-night chatting, touching).
• Reduce triggers like romantic content, sexual messages, and late-night scrolling.
• Redirect sexual energy into movement: walk, exercise, stretch, clean.
• Use grounding techniques when desire peaks: slow breathing, cold water, body relaxation.
• Keep emotional boundaries clear to avoid situations that overpower self-control.
• Avoid fantasies or thoughts that increase arousal when you’re already struggling.
• Strengthen mental discipline by shifting focus quickly, don’t sit with the urge.
• Maintain distance from people or conversations that repeatedly trigger sexual emotions.
• Build emotional closeness without physical escalation to stay balanced.
• Remind yourself desire is natural but you choose when and how you express it.

Controlling Sex Desire After Marriage

• Communicate openly about sexual needs to reduce pressure and frustration.
• Balance intimacy with emotional closeness so sex isn’t the only connection.
• Identify desire mismatch and talk about frequency, comfort, and expectations.
• Avoid using sex to escape stress or emotional discomfort; handle the root feeling.
• Reduce triggers like arguments, distance, or emotional tension that intensify urges.
• Practise slowing the physical response through breathing and body relaxation.
• Set healthy boundaries around porn or external stimulation if it disrupts the relationship.
• Strengthen non-sexual intimacy: affection, conversation, shared activities.
• Recognise when sexual urges are rising from boredom or emotional hunger, not desire.
• Seek support if impulses feel uncontrollable or cause relationship stress.

Controlling Strong Sexual Urges in Men and Women

Strong sexual urges can affect anyone; men and women experience them differently, but the need for control is the same. In counselling, I see that urges feel “strongest” when the body is activated and the mind is unprepared. These strategies help both genders stay steady and in control.

For Men (Controlling Strong Sexual Urges and Feelings)

• Reduce physical stimulation immediately; sitting still helps lower arousal.
• Avoid fantasy-building thoughts; they increase sexual desire quickly.
• Relax the pelvic muscles to weaken the body’s automatic response.
• Distract the mind with a quick mental shift, numbers, tasks, or movement.
• Limit triggers like erotic content that intensify sexual urges in seconds.
• Use cold water, deep breathing, or stretching to break the arousal cycle.
• Recognise when desire is emotional (stress, anger, boredom) rather than physical.
• Don’t isolate; sexual urges grow stronger in extended loneliness or downtime.
• Redirect energy into physical activity to lower sexual tension naturally.
• Set boundaries around conversations or environments that repeatedly trigger urges.

For Women (Controlling Strong Sexual Desire and Emotional Urges)

• Identify emotional triggers; many women experience desire tied to mood or connection.
• Reduce romantic or sensual stimulation when feeling emotionally vulnerable.
• Practise grounding through slow breathing and intentional body relaxation.
• Create space from conversations, texts, or content that stir sexual emotions.
• Notice patterns — urges may rise around stress, loneliness, or hormonal changes.
• Redirect emotional energy into soothing activities like walking or talking to a friend.
• Replace intrusive sexual thoughts with calming sensory cues (touch, sound, breath).
• Avoid situations that blur emotional and physical boundaries when overwhelmed.
• Strengthen internal boundaries by shifting focus quickly when desire escalates.
• Prioritise self-care, exhaustion and emotional emptiness make urges stronger.

Seeking Professional Help

Some people can manage their sexual emotions with simple tools, but others find the urges, thoughts, or emotional weight too strong to handle alone. As an online sexologist, I see this often and seeking help is not a sign of weakness. It simply means your mind and body need structured guidance.

A therapist at PsychiCare can help you understand why your sexual emotions feel intense, teach practical ways to control sexual urges, and support you through any deeper patterns affecting your desire or relationships.

Therapy can be helpful for a variety of sex-related problems, including:

• Difficulty controlling sexual emotions or sexual urges
• Frequent or intrusive sexual thoughts
• Low sexual desire or lack of interest
• Erectile dysfunction linked to stress or pressure
• Premature ejaculation influenced by anxiety
• Painful sex or discomfort during intimacy
• Difficulty reaching orgasm
• Unresolved sexual trauma or fear around intimacy
• Sexual addiction or compulsive sexual behaviour
• Desire mismatch affecting your relationship
• Emotional confusion connected to sex or closeness

FAQs

How to control sexual emotions?

Controlling sexual emotions starts with recognising your triggers, relaxing your body, and redirecting your focus before the urge rises too high. Techniques like slow breathing, grounding, reducing stimulation, and shifting thoughts help lower the intensity. If the emotions stay strong or feel out of control, therapy gives structured support.

How to control sex feelings before marriage?

Controlling sex feelings before marriage becomes easier when you create boundaries, avoid triggering conversations or late-night interactions, limit romantic or sexual content, and redirect energy into movement or tasks. Grounding techniques and quick mental shifts prevent urges from building.

How to control sex feelings after marriage?

Controlling sex feelings after marriage involves open communication with your partner, balancing emotional and physical intimacy, reducing stress, and understanding desire mismatch. When sexual desire feels too strong, calming the body and managing triggers helps maintain balance.

How to control sex feelings during pregnancy?

To control your sexual feelings during pregnancy:

• Talk to your partner about your needs and concerns. Be honest and open about what you are feeling.
• Explore non-sexual forms of intimacy. There are many ways to connect with your partner without having sex, such as cuddling, kissing, and talking.
• Practice relaxation techniques. Relaxation techniques such as deep breathing and meditation can help to reduce anxiety and arousal.
• Talk to your doctor for advice. They can provide guidance on what is safe and healthy during pregnancy.

How to control sexual urges in men?

Controlling sexual urges in men requires reducing physical stimulation, breaking fantasy loops quickly, relaxing the pelvic muscles, and shifting focus immediately when arousal builds. Physical movement and cold water help reset the body’s response.

How to control sexual feelings in women?

Controlling sexual feelings in women often involves managing emotional triggers, reducing romantic stimulation, practising grounding, and creating space during vulnerable moments. Hormonal changes can intensify desire, so calming the body and redirecting emotional energy helps.

How to control sexual thoughts?

Controlling sexual thoughts means interrupting the thought early, changing your environment, focusing on a simple task, and reducing mental stimulation like scrolling or chatting. Movement, cold water, and grounding techniques break the loop effectively.

How to reduce strong sexual desire naturally?

Reducing strong sexual desire naturally involves exercise, good sleep, hydration, reduced screen use, emotional regulation, and avoiding triggers. When the body is balanced, urges become easier to manage.

How to control sex urges at night?

Controlling sex urges at night requires reducing stimulation before bed, keeping devices away, slowing your breathing, taking a shower, and avoiding lying in positions that increase arousal. A quick change of environment helps immediately.

Final Thoughts

Sexual desire and strong sex emotions don’t need to control your life. Once you understand what triggers your urges and how your body reacts, you gain the power to respond, not react. The real progress comes from small, consistent actions: noticing patterns, grounding your body, shifting your thoughts, and setting boundaries that protect your mental space.

If your sexual feelings feel too strong before marriage, too frequent after marriage, or too overwhelming to manage alone, that doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It simply means your mind and body need structure, not suppression.

Every technique in this guide works because it teaches regulation, not restriction. And if you still feel stuck, professional support can help you strengthen the tools you already have.

You can take control of your sexual urges.
You can reduce emotional intensity.
You can build a healthier relationship with your sexuality, one that feels calm, respectful, and fully in your control.