If you’ve ever thought, “Why does this turn me on?” or “Is this fetish normal?” you’re not alone.
Many people have sexual interests they don’t fully understand. Some feel confused, others feel embarrassed, and many never talk about it at all. But fetishes are far more common than most people realise, and they’re usually not something to be ashamed of.
In fact, a large-scale study published in the Journal of Sex Research found that more than 45% of adults have fantasised about at least one fetish-related scenario.
Another study in Archives of Sexual Behaviour reported that nearly 1 in 3 people in the general population have experienced strong sexual interest in something considered “non-normative.”
What Is a Fetish, Exactly?
A fetish is when something specific, like a body part, object, or situation, becomes a strong turn-on for you. It’s not just “kind of hot,” it’s something that really fuels your desire and, for some, feels almost essential to getting aroused.
Fetishes are different from kinks. Kinks are more about general preferences (like roleplay or light bondage), while a fetish is usually focused on one particular thing, like feet, leather, or being in control.
You might hear the word paraphilia used in clinical terms. It just means a non-typical sexual interest. But most fetishes are harmless when they’re explored with consent and don’t cause distress.
Bottom line: having a fetish doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you. It just means your brain is wired to find something uniquely exciting, and that’s more common than people think.
Common Types of Fetishes
Fetishes come in all forms, and they’re often way more common than people think. Some focus on body parts, others on clothing, materials, or specific power dynamics. Here are just a few types of sexual fetishes people explore:
- Foot fetish (one of the most common worldwide)
- BDSM (bondage, dominance, submission, masochism)
- Roleplay (teacher/student, stranger scenarios, authority figures)
- Latex, leather, or specific clothing
- Voyeurism or exhibitionism
- Object fetishes (shoes, balloons, fabrics, etc.)
Fetishes are deeply personal. What turns one person on might seem completely random to someone else, and that’s okay.
Desires like these can develop for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes it’s early life experiences, things we associate with excitement or comfort, or even repeated exposure through porn or social media. The brain connects that arousal to something specific, and over time, it sticks.
What matters most isn’t why you’re into something, it’s how you explore it. Safely. With consent. And without shame.
Where Do Fetishes Come From?
Fetishes can come from a mix of experiences, emotions, and how the brain processes pleasure. They usually form over time, not all at once.
- Brain Wiring
The brain naturally forms links between certain experiences and feelings of arousal. If something is emotionally intense or exciting, your brain might connect it to sexual desire without you even realising it. - Conditioning
This happens when a certain object, situation, or feeling repeatedly shows up during moments of arousal. Over time, your mind starts to associate that thing with pleasure and that’s how a fetish can develop. - Early Exposure
Sometimes it starts with something you saw or experienced when you were younger, even something innocent or random. If it sparked curiosity or emotion, it can leave a lasting impression. - Trauma (in some cases)
Not always, but sometimes, a fetish can form as a response to trauma or emotional neglect. It might offer a sense of control, safety, or even emotional release. But having a fetish doesn’t automatically mean something bad happened to you. - Repetition through Media or Fantasy
Porn, social media, or recurring fantasies can also shape what arouses you. The more often something is paired with sexual excitement, the more your brain learns to find it arousing.
Fetishes often develop from a combination of emotional experiences and repeated associations. It’s not about being “broken” it’s about how your brain connected the dots over time.
Is My Fetish Healthy or Unhealthy?
Not every fetish is a problem. In fact, many are perfectly healthy when explored in safe, respectful ways. The key is looking at how your fetish shows up in your life and whether it’s helping or hurting your well-being.
Signs your fetish is healthy:
- It’s consensual; everyone involved is comfortable and agrees to it.
- It doesn’t interfere with your daily life or responsibilities.
- It doesn’t involve harming anyone, physically or emotionally.
- You can enjoy it without feeling ashamed, secretive, or out of control.
When a fetish is part of a connected, honest, and emotionally safe sex life, it can actually improve intimacy, not damage it.
But here’s when it might be a problem:
- It causes distress, guilt, or shame that feels heavy or constant.
- You feel like you have to hide it even from your partner or yourself.
- It impacts your relationships, especially around emotional or physical intimacy.
- It becomes compulsive, you rely on it so much that sex or arousal without it feels impossible.
- You feel isolated, anxious, or stuck because of it.
These can be signs that your fetish isn’t just a turn-on; it’s weighing on your mental health. If that sounds familiar, it doesn’t mean your desire is wrong. It just means it may be time to explore it more deeply with support.
Whether your fetish feels fun or frustrating, it helps to ask: Is this helping me feel more connected to myself and others, or is it making me feel more alone?
How to Talk to Your Partner About a Fetish
Bringing up a fetish with your partner can feel scary, even if the relationship is strong. The fear of being judged or misunderstood is real. But when done with care, these conversations can lead to more trust, intimacy, and emotional closeness.
When to bring it up
Talk about it when things feel emotionally safe, not in the middle of sex or a fight. Choose a quiet moment where both of you are relaxed and open. If it’s something you want to explore together, give them space to process rather than expecting an instant yes.
How to create a judgment-free space
Start with your own vulnerability. You might say:
“There’s something I’ve wanted to share not because I expect you to jump into it, but because it’s a part of me I’ve never talked about.”
Make it about honesty, not pressure. Let them ask questions. Stay open, not defensive.
What if they react negatively?
That might happen especially if the fetish is totally new to them. Give them time. Don’t rush to explain or defend. Ask what they’re feeling, and be willing to revisit the conversation later. Some people need space to unlearn old ideas around what’s “normal.”
If the reaction is shaming or dismissive, that’s important information too. You deserve to feel safe when sharing your truth.
Setting boundaries and exploring safely
If your partner is open, talk about boundaries. What feels exciting? What feels off-limits? What needs a slow start or more information? You don’t have to act on everything right away. Start small. Focus on connection, not just the act.
Exploring fetishes together should feel respectful, mutual, and low-pressure. Curiosity is good but safety and comfort come first.
Exploring Your Fetish Safely
If you’re ready to explore a fetish, that’s perfectly okay but how you explore it matters just as much as why. The goal is to stay curious without crossing boundaries, yours or anyone else’s.
Start with consent and clear communication
Before anything physical happens, you need to talk. Not just “Are you into this?” but a deeper conversation around limits, comfort levels, and safety. This is especially true for BDSM or power dynamics where trust has to be rock solid.
Always get clear, enthusiastic consent, and talk through a plan for what happens before, during, and after.
Know the basics of safe fetish play
If your fetish involves any physical risk bondage, impact play, or restraint, do your research. Start small. Use safe words. Set time limits. Build in aftercare (emotional check-ins, physical comfort). Kink doesn’t have to be dangerous, but it can be if safety isn’t prioritised.
If you’re unsure, look for books, videos, or classes from educators who specialise in consent and kink. A good rule? You should feel just as respected and in control after the scene as you did before.
Connect with fetish communities
Online or in-person, there are communities built around safe, respectful fetish exploration. Forums, apps, or vetted meetups can give you a place to learn and ask questions without judgment. Just remember, not every space is healthy stick to ones that center consent, inclusivity, and emotional safety.
Work with a sex therapist if needed
If you’re struggling to understand your fetish, communicate it, or explore it in ways that feel safe, a sex-positive therapist can help. Therapy isn’t about “fixing” you, it’s about unpacking what’s behind your desires and making sure you’re in control of them, not the other way around.
Exploring your fetish doesn’t make you irresponsible.
But doing it without care, communication, or respect for boundaries? That can lead to hurt for you or someone else. Curiosity is healthy. So is protecting yourself while you explore it.
When to Seek Help for Fetish
Having a fetish doesn’t mean you need therapy. But if your relationship with it starts to feel overwhelming, isolating, or painful, it might be time to reach out for support.
Here are a few signs that working with a therapist could help:
You feel out of control.
If your fetish starts to feel more like a compulsion something you have to act on or think about constantly, that’s a sign your desire might be managing you, not the other way around.
You’re carrying a lot of shame or guilt.
When a fetish makes you feel broken, embarrassed, or unworthy, it can start affecting how you see yourself and how you connect with others. That emotional weight is not something you have to carry alone.
You feel rejected by your partner or disconnected from them.
If you’ve tried to open up and felt judged, shut down, or misunderstood, it can leave lasting hurt. It can also create distance in the relationship, especially if the fetish becomes a hidden source of tension or frustration.
You suspect trauma might be involved.
Sometimes, a fetish can be tied to past emotional wounds even if you’re not fully sure. A therapist can help you gently unpack that connection and decide how to move forward in a way that feels safe and healing.
Seeing a therapist especially someone trained in fetish counselling or sex therapy, isn’t about “fixing” who you are. It’s about understanding yourself better, letting go of shame, and making room for connection, confidence, and choice.
You’re Not Alone: Letting Go of Shame
Let’s be real society can be harsh when it comes to anything outside the “norm,” especially around sex. But just because the world judges doesn’t mean you have to.
You’re not broken for having a fetish.
Desire doesn’t need to fit in a box to be valid. In fact, many sexual fetishes are far more common than people admit. Foot fetishes, roleplay, voyeurism these aren’t fringe behaviors. They’re part of the wide range of what real people experience.
If you feel guilt, fear, or confusion around your desire, that’s not unusual. But shame thrives in silence. The more you hide it, the heavier it gets. The first step to sexual self-acceptance isn’t changing your desires, it’s understanding them.
Healing and exploration don’t cancel each other out. You can learn where your fetish came from, explore it safely, and still be grounded in your values and emotional well-being.
You’re allowed to be curious. You’re allowed to be cautious. Most of all, you’re allowed to be human.
Conclusion
Curiosity is human. So is having sexual preferences that don’t fit the usual mold. Fetishes, like all desires, exist on a spectrum, and most of them are far more common and far less “weird” than people assume.
What matters isn’t whether you have a fetish. It’s how you relate to it.
Are you hiding it? Ashamed of it? Or learning to explore it with awareness, care, and confidence?
The healthiest relationships with others and with yourself are built on honest communication and emotional safety. Whether you’re figuring things out on your own or navigating it with a partner, you don’t have to do it alone.
Need support navigating a fetish or sexual concern?
Talk to a licensed sex therapist at PsychiCare today.
No shame. No judgment. Just honest help.
